§How to Talk to Aliens

Sep 2, 2025

AliensSatireGuide

This guide will help you identify extraterrestrial visitors, ensure mutual safety, demonstrate friendliness, ask meaningful questions, and assist them in departing Earth. It assumes you are proficient in English and understand modern reading, writing, tools, and basic arithmetic. Some steps may require specialized tools, for which you should refer to their respective guides for proper usage. Throughout the guide, you will interact with tools, items, and entities you may not be familiar with. It is best to understand what you use, what you see, and what behaviors you notice to be well-informed throughout the process.

§Types of Aliens

A biological being or species is an alien if it originates from anywhere but the Earth. Various types of aliens may exist in our shared universe. However, we will be dealing with just a few specific types, often the ones that can be detected in the first place.

§Microbes

This is likely the universe's most common and populace type of alien. It is humanly impossible to detect the presence of alien bacterial life optically through your eyes single they are single-celled. Signs of microbial aliens can only be affirmed by specialized equipment like a microscope in a lab setting, resulting in imagery, as seen in Figure 0.1.1A. This guide will not document interactions with this type of alien, though other types may transmit it.

Figure 0.1.1A: A colony of single-celled Earth-bound bacteria.

§Primitive and Complex Macro Aliens

Some aliens may feature more than a single cell and are often visible to the human eye; however, they may lack advanced evolutionary features, landing them in the “primitive” category. The simplest way to differentiate between primitive and complex aliens is to look for the density of sensors across their bodies. If you note an extrusion from their body, dense with sensors, the region likely houses the brain. An Earthly example can be seen in Figure 0.1.2A, where a deer has evolved to minimize the distance between all its sensors and the brain (1). On the other hand, a starfish, as seen in Figure 0.1.2B, lacks any concentration of sensors. This guide assumes you are dealing with a complex creature. Still, it is acceptable to follow through even with a primitive creature, as complex creatures are likely collecting telemetry remotely.

Figure 0.1.2A: A deer is complex.

Figure 0.1.2B: A starfish is primitive.

§Intelligent Aliens

It is improbable for intelligent creatures to send members of their species as the first means of exploration without inferring the intents of humanity first. Nevertheless, aliens are “intelligent” if they demonstrate their usage of technologies without any clear incentives. In other words, these aliens are well-versed with the technologies they use and are not constrained to a feedback loop, forcing them to do work. For example, Figure 0.1.3A shows a monkey using a computer. However, this does not mean it is intelligent since humans have incentivized the monkey through positive feedback: it was offered a banana to push buttons on the keyboard.

Figure 0.1.3A: A monkey incentivized to use a computer is not an alien.

§Hazmat Suits

Safety must be at the forefront of every step when pursuing an unprecedented task. All hazmat suits are slightly different but offer the same thing: flux nulling. In other words, they drastically reduce the amount of foreign particles reaching your body. There are no guarantees of what microbes, diseases, infections, chemicals, radiation, etc., the aliens will bring along with them. The hazmat suit will be your proxy until everything is flagged safe for unprotected interaction. Follow instructions specific to your hazmat suit to dress up; ensure you are completely sealed and shielded. Never compromise financially when purchasing suits. Figure 0.2A displays a generic hazmat suit comprising of the screen (1), your optical interface, the skin (2), the layer of fabric that minimizes foreign flux, the gloves (3), serving an identical purpose to the skin (2) all the while allowing for physical interactions, and the boots (4), increasing your surface area over soft terrain and stopping prograde fumes.

Figure 0.2A: A full-body hazmat suit.

§Geiger Counters

Another bodily risk aliens pose is radiation. As seen in Figure 0.3A, a Geiger counter measures the radiation received divided by time and is usually displayed to the user on a segmented display (1). For the radiation, this guide uses “microrem per hour,” often denoted as “microrem/h,” “microrem/hr,” “µrem/h,” or “µrem/hr.” Consult the instructions for your specific Geiger counter to switch to using these units. Alternatively, convert your readings to hourly microrems using tools like WolframAlpha .

Figure 0.3A: A generic Geiger counter with a segmented display.

§Sandbags

You may use sandbags to form a barrier between your property (3) and the aliens. As demonstrated in Figure 0.4A, sandbags (2) are very cheap and offer decent protection against radiation and lights (1), the aliens may be emitting liquids (1) the biological processes may be producing, among many things. If you decide to deploy sandbags, consider building walls multiple layers thick to increase effectiveness.

Figure 0.4A: A mound of sandbags can protect your house well.

§Solvents

A solvent is a substance that dissolves other things, like how water dissolves sugar or salt. It is like a universal mixing agent that helps break things down so they can spread out evenly. Water is the most common solvent, but others will be discussed later. Species of all types utilize solvents, making for some good extraterrestrial gifts.

§Modes of Propulsion

Humanity has relatively primitive propulsion modes, and advanced aliens will likely stray from conventional methods for propulsion known to humanity. All types of propulsion require different clearings and resources, which you can assist the alien with.

§Chemical Propulsion

The simplest form of propulsion combines a fuel (usually kerosene in jet engines and petrol in cars) with an oxidizer (always oxygen on Earth) to expand matter and propel the craft. Interstellar travel is slow and inefficient with this method; thus, aliens will unlikely use it.

§Nuclear Thermal Rockets

Outlawed by most countries due to the risk of nuclear contamination in case of failure, Nuclear Thermal Rockets (NTRs) excel as long-term propulsion engines. While their thrust output is generally lower than that of chemical rockets, they offer higher efficiency and greater thrust-to-mass ratios. Aliens with technology not far beyond human capabilities may favor this propulsion method, especially if they are naturally radiation-hardened due to their home world's conditions, making nuclear fallout a negligible threat to them.

§Alcubierre Drives

Scientific details are limited, but post-Einstein physics suggests faster-than-light travel might be possible by contracting space ahead and expanding it behind. This concept, the Alcubierre Drive, theoretically creates a region of negative energy density. Though its feasibility remains unknown, you must not rule out its presence on the alien spacecraft.

§Identifying Alien Life

Before proceeding with communications, you must eliminate any possibility that the observed species originates from Earth. Use the following filters to be sure beyond a reasonable doubt that you are interfacing with alien life.

§Intoxicated Hallucinations

According to the Cleveland Clinic, hallucinations due to alcohol consumption typically occur at a BAC level of 0.2-0.3% or higher. If you fall under this categorization, your impairment may lead to the misidentification of Earthly creatures. Even at levels lower than that, obscured vision can cause misidentifications, especially of members of your species (1), as can be seen in Figure 1.1A. Refer to the Cleveland Clinic’s article on this topic to determine if you are hallucinating. Suspend any further steps if you are intoxicated. Some common beverages that can contribute to intoxication include:

Beer (5% ABV): Roughly 4-5 standard 12 oz cans/bottles containing 0.6 oz of pure alcohol.
Wine (12-15% ABV): Around 4-5 glasses, 5 oz per glass.
Spirits (40% ABV, like whiskey, vodka, rum): About 4-5 shots, 1.5 oz per shot.

Figure 1.1A: Severe intoxication can cause misidentification of fellow species members.

CAUTION

Avoid classifying anything as an alien while drunk, as misidentifying a human could unintentionally convey hostility.

§Hyperactive Imagination

There are other mental disorders or bodily states that you may possess that you need to rule out, the effects of which may be causing your encounter:

Schizophrenia: Often involves auditory, visual, or tactile hallucinations.
Bipolar Disorder: In severe manic or depressive episodes, hallucinations can occur.
Depression: Can cause auditory or visual hallucinations.
Childhood hyper imagination: People aged seven or younger lack structured imagination, blurring the line between reality and fantasy, an example of which can be noted in Figure 1.2A.

Figure 1.2A: Children often have vivid imaginations and may falsely report alien encounters.

§Environmental Cues

Suppose you have encountered a species on a planet that is not Earth, for example, on Mars (1), as illustrated by Figure 1.3A. In that case, you are most likely an astronaut sponsored by a governmental or private space agency. In this case, disregard this guide and follow through with the instructions provided by your mission control.

Figure 1.3A: A Martian alien is out of the scope of this guide.

§Radiological Emission

Suppose you face one or more of the following symptoms:

The air passively “tastes” like copper or iron.
Your skin burns or starts melting.
You begin to vomit.
You begin to shed hair in the direction of the species.

If the species is alive and does not display signs of struggle like you. In that case, you have likely encountered an alien whose home planet may be naturally radioactive, and the alien is mimicking its natural environment, which would have usually been its camouflage. Refer to the Mayo Clinic’s article on radiation poisoning for an exhaustive list of the signs of radiation.

§Linguistic Attempts

If the alien makes an apparent attempt at communication that appears well structured in a medium unlike any common ones on Earth or alien to terrestrial techniques, it is likely intelligent life. Analyze its specific medium of communication. Species on Earth generally use sound and physical motion to communicate. If the species appears to be emitting light, it’s highly likely to be an alien. It is also entirely plausible for alien life (1) to attempt to replicate human language (2) or introduce its novel physical scripting scheme, as exemplified in Figure 1.5A. Be sensitive to any such details. Written language is a clear indicator of intelligent alien life.

Figure 1.5A: An alien communicating in an Earthly language is a good sign of intelligence.

TIP

Respond to aliens using the same medium they communicate in. For example, as shown in Figure 1.5A, a written language (2) is best answered in writing rather than spoken aloud.

§Safety of Both Parties

Ensuring their safety on Earth is critical to give the alien species a sense of friendliness. It is best to get governmental bodies like Homeland Security involved, as it is an Earthly human convention to ensure your safety before considering that of the alien.

§Contacting Authorities

As a civilian, you likely have no protocols or equipment to deal with the alien immediately. Call 911 to report the alien species calmly, speedily, and concisely, as illustrated in Figure 2.1A. Since this is an unprecedented event, you will fail to convince authorities if you do not use initiated linguistics. Here are a few phrases and sentences that you can deploy as needed:

If the alien is radioactive, you have a strong case: “There are radioactive biologics in my backyard.”
If the alien used a vehicle, you can point that out: “There is a biological entity egressing from a spaceflight-capable vehicle.”
If the alien is oozing out foreign fluids, you have a serious health concern: “an unknown species has contaminated my backyard with hazardous liquids of no discernible origin.”
In further conversations, if you believe you have gained the trust of the authorities, you can reveal, “I have encountered an organism with no recognizable terrestrial features, and I require immediate assistance.”

Figure 2.1A: Being concise and calm when calling 911 is critical.

No further action is required if you successfully convince the authorities of the aliens in your backyard. You may safely evacuate the area and disregard any additional instructions from this guide. The authorities will each individually confirm the gravity of the situation and elevate the issue to Homeland Security in a chain of command.

§Failing to Fetch Authorities

Without the resources of Homeland Security, the responsibility to engage with the alien falls into your hands. The rest of the guide may involve serious health and bodily risks. It is best to evacuate the area immediately. However, if you deem interacting with the alien a must, you may proceed cautiously, following the guide to avoid risking harm to yourself and the alien.

CAUTION

Do not engage with the alien without preparation, as illustrated by Figure 2.2A. Follow the instructions in this guide carefully.

Figure 2.2A: Interfacing with an alien without preparation or equipment can be dangerous.

§Your Safety

It cannot be determined without proper sampling whether the aliens' microbes and chemicals introduced onto Earth are safe to interact with. Buy at least two sets of hazmat suits and cycle between them when interacting with the alien, allowing the other one to be cleaned while the one worn is in use.

Purchase a Geiger counter if you do not own one already.
Read its corresponding guidebook and familiarize yourself with it.
Use the Geiger counter to determine the exact radius where the radiation is at or below 571 microrems per hour.

571 microrems per hour is the limit of the safe dosage for human adults over long periods (Radiation, How Much Is Considered Safe for Humans?, 1994).

CAUTION

If you cannot find a safe radius around the alien where you can still interact with it, evacuate the area immediately and do not follow through with any further instructions in this book.

Figure 2.3A exemplifies finding a reasonable radius around the alien. It is possible for the alien not to emit radiation above the background radiation of the Earth itself, so no precautions against radiological entities will need to be taken.

Figure 2.3A: A Geiger counter displaying a safe 248µrem/h value a few feet away.

§The Alien’s Safety

Hazmat suits protect the alien from Earthly microbes, which humans are excellent at transmitting. The alien likely has its protective equipment, so additional measures are unnecessary unless significant issues arise. In such cases, demonstrate understanding and empathy to the alien, even if you cannot provide direct assistance.

TIP

Consider housing the alien or building a shed around it to protect it against the elements, as seen in Figure 2.4A.

Figure 2.4A: Aliens may appreciate the added protection against the elements.

§Displaying Friendliness

You must declare the curious nature of your human friendship. When interacting with the alien, keep in mind that your time scales may differ from the alien's. An activity that may typically take you a few minutes can take the alien days to months or a mere fraction of seconds, depending on what time scale the alien evolved under on its planet. Generally speaking, human processes are very slow compared to other non-biological phenomena; you should expect yourself to take tens to thousands of times longer to complete activities that the aliens expect in an instant. Do not be surprised to find the alien losing interest in your activities, as illustrated in Figure 3A.

Figure 3A: Your pace of communication may cause you to lose the alien’s attention.

§Offering Solvents

The best way to show friendliness is by offering solvents to creatures universally. On Earth, the best solvent is water, as it allows solubility to more compounds than any other solvent (Solvents Resource Center | Fisher Scientific, n.d.). To assist the alien in conducting its biological processes with solvents that enable chemical reactions within the body, offer a variety of common solvents, and identify the one that the alien picks:

H₂O: Water is the best solvent known to humanity and is common around the universe; it is incredibly likely that the alien also uses water.
NH₃: Ammonia is a fantastic solvent for planets and moons like Titan, which are too cold for water.
CH₃OH: Methanol is a relatively simple carbon-based solvent that may sustain carbon-based species.
C₂H₅OH: ethanol has been seen to be used by Earthly microbes.
HCONH₂: Much like methanol, formamide may help the alien sustain complex carbon-based processes.
H₂O₂: hydrogen peroxide is a water-like solvent formed in oxygen-rich environments, as seen when used by extremophiles on Earth.

TIP

Avoid using metals and plastics to serve these liquids, as the containers may react with the aliens’ bodies. Use metals from the platinum group, like platinum or ceramics, preferably unglazed (with no shiny coats or paints). Furthermore, avoid overwhelming the alien (2) with too many choices (1) at once, as exemplified by Figure 3.1A.

Figure 3.1A: The choices of solvents may stump the alien.

§Delivering Climate Control

Another fantastic way of gaining trust is to make Earth more tolerable for the aliens.

Purchase an infrared thermometer if you do not own one already.
Read its corresponding guidebook and familiarize yourself with it.
Use the thermometer to read the temperature from any exposed parts of the alien.
- If accompanied by a spacecraft, you can quickly read its interior as it opens.
Surround the alien with heaters or air conditioning units, whichever may be appropriate, to assist it in reaching equilibrium with its natural temperature.
Gradually adjust the temperature starting from Earth's ambient level, carefully observing the alien's reactions.
Stop immediately if the alien shows distress, even before reaching the target temperature.

NOTE

You may not be entirely successful in fully matching the alien’s native temperatures. This is entirely acceptable because “it is the thought that counts.” You intend to demonstrate alliance, not to make Earth completely bearable, as illustrated by Figure 3.2A.

Figure 3.2A: Multiple climate control units may be required.

§Displaying Mathematical Fellowship

Aliens will likely have no difficulty recognizing human intelligence. Even if the alien present is not highly intelligent, the species that facilitated its journey to Earth is monitoring events through a range of advanced sensors. Present the alien with fundamental mathematical constants to demonstrate humanity’s deep understanding of nature. While humans commonly use base-10 (0-9) for numerical representation, this choice is arbitrary. Universally, base-2 (binary) is the most fundamental numerical system. As illustrated in Figure 3.3A, you can display the following constants through any means: Pi (

\pi

) demonstrates our mastery of geometry:

11.001001000011111101101010100010001000010110100011

Euler’s number (

r

) signifies our understanding of infinitesimal mathematics (calculus):

10.10110111111000010101000101100010100010111110001

The Golden Ratio (

\phi

) reflects our comprehension of mathematical patterns in nature:

1.100111100011011101100010000101000111101011101

Figure 3.3A: Binary is the fundamental medium of communication.

TIP

Using lines for 1s and circles for 0s on any writable surface should suffice. However, inscribing the constants onto a ceramic surface is preferable, making it easily accessible to the aliens and safe to read by contact in case they are light-insensitive. Additionally, you can also use any arbitrary combinations of beeping noises to auditorily announce the digits.

§Asking Questions

Naturally, one of the first steps into a friendship is asking questions. Aliens probably do not speak English; thus, we have to fall back on the most primitive types of questions: letting the answerer complete your sentences.

§Resolving Modes of Communication

Before you conjure your questions, you must resolve what the alien communicates. Humans, like many terrestrial carnivores, have highly developed vision. Carnivorous species are often social, which promotes the evolution of complex brains and binocular vision (forward-facing eyes) for depth perception. If intelligent aliens rely on vision, they are likely to be carnivores and may also possess binocular eyes, making it intuitive for humans like you to prompt.

Gradually increase the brightness of a flashlight relative to the ambient light.
Observe the alien’s response.
Pay close attention to any physical reactions, especially if they are proportional to the light's brightness.

If they react to the light, they likely have vision. They may have only a faint sense of brightness and not full vision; this is hard to distinguish, so assume they have vision.

TIP

Avoid using heat-emitting light sources, such as incandescent lamps, as the heat may trigger an unintended reaction from the alien if they are thermally sensitive.

To confirm auditory responses, gradually increase the magnitude of your tests.

Speak softly.
Clap.
Scream.
Bang metals together.
If you have the equipment, play music on instruments like a drum kit.

TIP

Playing music can simultaneously demonstrate humanity’s mastery of music and invoke a positive response within the alien, as illustrated in Figure 4.1A.

Figure 4.1A: Playing music on a drum kit helps confirm auditory senses.

§Visual Prompts

You can pose questions visually if you have confirmed the alien has visual senses. Unless the alien has demonstrated mastery of English, as illustrated by Figure 1.5A on Page 13, you cannot use regular English questions; you will have to fall back on binary.

Demonstrate basic mathematical operations to the alien.
Prompt them to complete a few problems.

Below are some pre-computed equations—use some as examples and present the rest as challenges for the alien to solve:

Addition	Subtraction	Multiplication
$1011 + 1101 = 11000$	$1101 - 101 = 1000$	$101 \times 11 = 1111$
$10010 + 11001 = 101011$	$10110 - 1001 = 1101$	$110 \times 10 = 1100$
$111 + 1010 = 10001$	$11101 - 1100 = 10101$	$111 \times 101 = 100011$
$11011 + 1011 = 100110$	$10011 - 1010 = 101$	$1001 \times 11 = 11011$
$101010 + 110110 = 1100000$	$110010 - 10101 = 101101$	$1100 \times 1010 = 1111000$
$1111 + 1001 = 11000$	$10101 - 1111 = 110$	$1011 \times 110 = 1000110$
$100001 + 11101 = 111110$	$100000 - 1111 = 10001$	$1111 \times 1111 = 11100001$
$100 + 1100 = 10000$	$110100 - 10001 = 101011$	$10010 \times 101 = 1011010$

If the alien does not respond to incomplete equations, skip section 4.3: Auditory Prompts and ignore further instructions from this section.

Associate objects with words by placing written labels nearby.
Ensure your labels consistently use a single language or scheme.
- Labels may include English words, arbitrary symbols, numbers, or drawings to establish a link between the object and its name.
After many iterations, quiz the aliens by presenting objects with blank labels.

Anticipate the process of building vocabulary to take anywhere from a couple of hours to several decades, depending on the alien’s time scale.

TIP

Avoid using lowercase letters and punctuation as they are arbitrary. Stick to capital letters.

The last set of words you will need to teach them would be abstract ones, which are usually hard to convey. If you have built up a good vocabulary, you should be able to use regular words. Much like the mathematical questions, pose questions and quiz the aliens. Subtraction helps hone in on abstract concepts. Here are a few examples:

Addition	Subtraction
PIG + KNIFE = MEAT	WOOD - PLANK = TOOL
BATTERY + TORCH = LIGHT	GLASS - LENS = LIGHT
CLOUD + WATER = RAIN	ROCK - GEM = PRESSURE
WOOD + FIRE = CAMPFIRE	MILK - CHEESE = TIME
MEAT + FIRE = FOOD	SWORD - STEEL = TOOL
MEAT + BREAD = TOAST	ROCKET - ENGINE = THRUST
WATER + SOIL = MUD	CLOUD - RAIN = FALL
MUD + FIRE = BRICK	HUMAN - MATH = INTELLIGENCE

§Auditory Prompts

Auditory interaction with aliens closely mirrors visual communication. The process for section 4.2: Visual Prompts can be adapted for auditory cues with the following adjustments:

Use combinations of “beeping” and “bopping” noises orally to convey binary with any arbitrary sound of your liking to represent mathematical operations.
Allow the alien to echolocate and touch objects.
Announce the labels when the alien touches said objects.

§Assisting Egress

When the alien starts retracting its equipment and disengaging in communications, it is likely preparing to leave Earth; at this point, you must put distance between you and the alien’s spacecraft to reach a safe distance.

§Chemical Propulsion and Nuclear Thermal Rockets

The craft likely uses a chemical or nuclear thermal motor if it features a distinct nozzle (1), as shown in Figure 5.1A. Distinguishing between the two without specialized equipment or destructive analysis is nearly impossible.

Figure 5.1A: Chemical and nuclear rockets feature nozzles.

Due to their high thrust output, vehicles leaving Earth's atmosphere typically rely on chemical propulsion. However, be prepared for both chemical and nuclear thermal engines, as distinguishing between them may not be straightforward.

Due to this uncertainty, assume the worse of the two: nuclear.
Pack your belongings that you wish to preserve.
Migrate 1 mile away from the spacecraft at a minimum.

1 mile is sufficient to survive an explosion equivalent to 0.1 kilotons of a nuclear bomb, according to the REMM, which roughly translates to the damage left behind by powerful NTRs.

§Alcubierre Drives

Alcubierre drives are significantly more destructive. Immense caution must be exercised.

If you do not see a nozzle, assume the spacecraft uses an Alcubierre drive.
Leave all belongings behind; evacuation is essential.
Migrate 4 miles away from the spacecraft at a minimum.

4 miles is sufficient to survive an explosion equivalent to 10 kilotons of a nuclear bomb, according to the REMM.

§Conclusion

Interface with aliens is a very speculative and unprecedented topic. Careful planning, pacing, knowledge, and tooling are essential in casting a good impression on aliens. This guide has provided a comprehensive outline for identifying aliens, ensuring mutual safety, demonstrating friendliness, asking primitive questions, and assisting them in departing Earth. You can master this novel situation confidently by following the outlined steps—from understanding the numerous types of aliens and using specialized equipment to offering solvents and displaying mathematical fellowship. It is essential to remember that while encountering extraterrestrial life is exciting, it comes with significant risks. Always prioritize safety by involving authorities when first and foremost. Whether the alien is microbial, primitive, or highly intelligent, your actions should reflect humanity's curiosity, empathy, respect, and goodwill. First impressions matter; your work using this guide is the starting point for fostering peaceful, meaningful interactions and relationships with extraterrestrials. As humanity continues to explore the universe, the principles outlined here will help ensure the best interests of all parties are met and curiosities are satisfied.

§References

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